02.11.25 -- Officially unable to feel joy anymore. I thought halloween would fix me somewhat, I laugh, I have fun, I look into the wall, and the thoughts come back. I let my friend touch my swollen hematomas, it was funny. I concluded if everyone is not real, then it doesn't matter what dumb shit I say. I'm so ugly and disgusting it's insane. I don't know how I have friends, sometimes it feels like theres someone talking to them that's just piloting my body for me. How is it that nothing is real, "I" don't exist in a sense, yet everyone else doesn't exist either, but I'm aware of it all? Who's plotting against me? Maybe nothing is supposed to make sense, it's hell after all, hell doesn't need to make sense. I'm a literal nobody, my life hasn't even started, and it's already being ruined, I want to get out of this game and leave the play area.

There's nothing left I can think of wanting to do before I die. I don't need to experience anything else. This was enough. I'm not grateful. I think being alive was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I don't think I would fight back much if anyone was trying to physically harm me unless it's somewhere I don't want to be hurt, like my eyes. Being killed is a different thing. On one hand, I won't be conscious to see what happens to me when I die (being undressed for autopsy), but on the other hand, I don't want to be found, I think I deserve at least this one act of dignity when all my life nobody gave a shit about my boundaries. Kill me and burn me or down me after. It's so funny how NPCs think they are real and don't notice me, ignore me, try to make me angry by going "Are you new here?" all my life. Jokes on you, you despawn when I leave. Your life has no meaning outside of this exchange.

There's a yew tree at the elementary school I used to go to. I want to try tasting the sticky red fruits. I could always take some of the leaves home with me as a last ditch suicide method. I would make tea with it, but I've heard that's it hard to swallow due to tasting disgusting. SN too is way too salty. I guess killing yourself will never be comfortable. Which is sad, there should be something serenely peaceful about being able to leave this shithole, and then whoever is doing all this makes it even WORSE by making everything disgusting, uncomfortable and nasty. Even death is a punishment. You truly cannot win. I don't want to retire my hammer. It feels too good to hammer my legs purple. But I don't want to end up as an amputee. I need to be able to run from people when it comes to it. I've been having nightmares again. So much for wondering if life is a big shit dream and my dreams are the real life. I have a hard time telling them apart sometimes even though I lucid dream so often. I hate almost everyone. I want to hurt people who annoy me. There's nothing meaningful I can do anymore. The world is breaking down when I slowly noticed things having patterns. Everything runs on the software that's ME