It's the 08.10.25. Reusing an early but cool imo theme, I added some more stuff though. I typed this thought entry out last night but I didn't save it, I guess, because it's gone now bruh. Cool whatever 
I miss the person I was before knowing all of the stuff I know now, it hurt, sure, but at least I wasn't aware of it. I hope all the people who kept teaching me that I have it good and that my life isn't so bad get hurt too because it wasn't true at all. The first time something happened to me, I spoke up, and was told I was lying. If I get overwhelmed I'm a dependent quitter who can't do anything herself, if I have breakdowns remembering recent and old sexual harrassment done to me, then I'm making a scene. I wasn't withdrawn and isolated and sad as a kid, I was just introverted. Sure. Keep telling yourself that
What the fuck was I even thinking, getting into IT as a woman? What did I expect, human decency from these absolute apes? I hope the world gets blown into pieces bro. Nobody deserves to live. Humans were a failed experiment. Check the news, someone will stab me in public eventually. I shouldn't have been born. I was born out of a selfish wish from a mentally instable woman, then quickly I became nobody elses problem. This world doesn't care about girls, women, let alone autistic or otherwise disabled ones. Those are bottom of the barrel, tough luck, you're in a society that hates you and now you're helpless too. I have no place in this world
I don't even know what I'm feeling or what's going on anymore, I wish i knew somewhere that I could kill myself without my body being found until decomposition has set in so much that they can't autopsy me or undress me. Nobody sees me as a human. I don't want to exist or be perceived. I don't dream of labor or a family. My preferred suicide method isn't available here. There's no way to buy without having some kind of chemist permit or getting in trouble with imports. Keeping someone alive forcefully or telling someone it gets better is absolute bullshit, why do you want to draw out someones suffering if you're not ready to fix their life for them if you're so serious? For example, let me put it like this: If you're against abortion but wouldn't take on a womans abandoned infant, why open your mouth? You say shit without meaning behind it. You just try to be a morally correct person, but you're not
How do you even function when you don't know whats true? All my life I got taught by my mother that she is right and she is a good mother and others have it worse than me. Now everyone tells me she is abusive and I need help. Who's right? I feel horrible, but I've been feeling horrible for most of my life either way, so what's the difference. I want to die, I want to be hurt, I beat up my thighs with a hammer and stab them just to get distracted and feel like I'm being embraced. I don't care about the intrusive thoughts of "I'm useless" "I can't do anything right" because even if that's true, so are many other people. Nobody has to be of use. It's not about that. I just think I shouldn't exist and I'm being punished for existing. Even my mother keeps expressing how much she regrets having me, yet she doesn't do anything to make me disappear yet. If anything, she keeps me close because she needs someone to use.
I really hate it on this planet. I don't belong here. If you don't want me here, take me away. I'm so tired. Every day is a cycle of thinking about how to die, endless memories of my past, and being defeated. I can't help myself, and I can't get out of this house. I used to be scared of death, of the uncertainty and the "nothingness" because there are things I enjoy doing. But after all of this, and what will happen still, the abscence of everything is better than going through anything worse again. And who knows, maybe it would take me somewhere nicer. Maybe if I'm dead, I can see Shadow and Metal Sonic, there is nobody to sexualize or harrass me, and nobody tells me how much I'm not welcome and how faulty I am.
Get sexually harrassed -> remember past sexual harrassment/touching from childhood -> try to confide in mother who explicitly said "come to me if you need help" (performative lie, as always) -> she cries and says youre making everything about yourself -> feel like shit from all these memories always coming up when around strangers or alone + knowing your own mother doesn't give a shit about you. When I heard her cry and yell at me for 'making it all about me' after I opened up for the first time in over 10 years, I couldn't believe my ears honestly. How can a mother be like this? this is fucked i got fucked over being born into this family
I fucking hate everything. Everything fucking sucks. I hate my parents, I hate everyone who bullied or harrassed me or thought of me in a sexual manner, I hate all the teachers and other people who saw me struggle and didn't do shit, I hate every single man in this world and every woman who lives for men, I hate this entire system, I hate work, I hate existence, I hate the law
JUST WIN THE RACE!