Written on the 25.07.25 across some days. Too many thoughts, maybe this is the work of solving 500 piece puzzle at the library for 3 hours instead of scrolling on instagram reels for 3 hours. I can't even focus on video games that long by myself Or maybe it's the type of game I play. But I need to focus better and try not to lose interest the second I'm faced with a challenge or don't immediately win. Where did any ounce of stubbornness go?

Insane how time passes fast when you're not even doing anything. I'm terrified of the future and have trouble sleeping at the moment, too busy destroying my own grass to notice if yours is any greener I don't want to drink warm drinks anymore, i prefer cold tea and coffee, if you make something hot, it just becomes soup. I wonder if my hatred for germs, stains on spoons, big forks in general, and the fabled bus hair is just part of my autism. Whenever I talk stuff comes out I never meant to say, this has been happening since as long as I can think. I used to come home from school and beat myself up for the stuff I said to my friends. I'm weird and I can't mask it no matter how many trendy pieces of clothing and how many expensive bags I buy, I will never fit in, I don't want to fit in, I just want to be treated with respect.

My free time is up now and I've done nothing of substance, nothing to leave a lasting impression. It doesn't matter what new skills I learn, it doesn't matter if i edit or tween or do anything at all - it will never please me, so it doesn't matter anymore what I think. Make it exist first, then nothing. But give me attention once and I'll destroy my own peace of creating something solely for myself because I thought nobody was watching me. The minute someone watches me i start to perform for you until you notice me again

"I'll do so much before life as I know it ends, I will enjoy it to the fullest and make this time count" And then on most days I feel no better than a dead woman, sitting doing absolutely nothing, I may as well have been dead on those days I still don't regret it. I don't know what past me was thinking, I can't be hard on myself forever, I can't fix attention span issues and self image issues in a single summer. I don't know what's gonna come next, I really hope it's good news.